This man was left with his head in the train and his body and bags flapping around outside on the platform. He was like, Miss, you need somebody to walk you home? And I was like, No, Im good. Hes like, Are you sure? I was like, No, I got it, thanks. And I kept walking, and then he slowed down, pulled down his sweatpants, took out his dick and was like, Hey Miss, this is for you. And I was like, No. And then I kept walking all the way home. Yeah, its be a hard drive. Two Orangemen fans drowned last year. So fun. You can find all my articles in my profile. [Closing doors sound] Next stop 205th Street. The worst thing is you cant really react, you know? By submitting your email, you agree to our Terms and Privacy Policy and to receive email correspondence from us. New Years in NYC really sucked this year. So, stop for 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself by reading through this awesome New York puns now. Want some fun facts, jokes or both? What is the best way to get from Boston to NYC? Thats not my area up there! You cant do that. You know, like, Hey, nice haircut. Screw you; whats wrong with it? Colin Quinn, Ive lived in New York City way too long. Go Bills!, 94. March 10, 2014. 112. 127. They met her in a parking garage, and they were like, Madge, give us the scoop! About every 20 minutes, immediately, you have to go [gasp], Oh my god. In New York its always raining Katz and dogs. 184. Where people treat each other right. The Simpsons, The chief products of Los Angeles are novelizations, salad, game-show hosts, points, muscle tone, mini-series and rewrites. Heck yeah you do! But I hate when people go, New York City: 8 million people, 8 million stories. Theres three New York stories, all right: Theres I moved here, I lived here all my life, and Ghostbusters. Mike Lawrence, I know the guy who writes all those bumper stickers. Because theres a Delhi on every block. And if you're wondering why the train's an hour late, just ask the cow in the kitchen." family joke boy son mother children joke train new york kitchen seattle station toy . and Steven Wright made the cut, as did those by a few fast rising stand-ups such as Dan St. Germain, Hannibal Buress and Kumail Nanjiani. Its awesome, living in one of the most popular and busiest cities in the world. Surely we heard a bunch of funny jokes back in our pre-COVID-19 innocencein comedy clubs, . Copyright 2022 travelnewyorknow.com. Yeah, my friend and I have always been passionate about you not helping us. Racist topics make me nervous. It is known for Hollywood and so much more. After all, it features all of the best very jokes about New York that have nothing to do with the city that never sleeps and that are sure to make you laugh. Why are we stoppin? For more laughs, check our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious! Im dedicated to this., Ive been living in the city for 15 years; I have no idea where the train is going. Exactly 2,417,529 people got married in NYC last year. And L.A. is a very short commute to America, its like half an hour on the plane. Craig Ferguson, Los Angeles is seven suburbs in search of a city. Alexander Wolcott, Los Angeles is a large city-like area surrounding the Beverly Hills Hotel. Fran Lebowitz, You know, youre really nobody in L.A. unless you live in a house with a really big door. Steve Martin, I love Los Angeles. I was on an elevator in a building in Manhattan. Above perv is a bozo. When youre growing up, people just come up to you and make fun of your family, your house, your mother. Keep smiling and join us on Social, we'd love to have you over. The single most terrifying experience of my life. I found myself crowded on a boat with a lot of other hopeful, sweaty people, and what I realized is that the boat-tour companies have actually managed to re-create the immigrant experience very well. Bookworms. They stick to the ground., 96. I got invited to a ball drop in NYC last night. I come from New York, where, if you fall down, someone will pick you up by the wallet., 83. Dress as a cop. Bookworms., 13. I hope you share my sense of humor. It makes both states smarter! How do the Brooklyn and Manhattan Bridges communicate? So I have to do it now. 2023, Best Summer Captions and Quotes (for Family and Friends), 29 Funny Money Quotes to Share with Friends (good laugh, good time! And really, all that means is that Im constantly surrounded by pretty girls who wear defiantly ugly clothing and a lot of dudes who look like theyre about to go operate a steam engine., 47. I was so nonchalant about it. Please accept the terms of our newsletter. 2022 in Review. They all go like this: Once upon a time, I forgot. Please see my disclosure for more information. They stick to the ground. Sometimes, these NYC puns and New York jokes are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually good. 84. People tell me, Hey, if you quit smoking, youll get your sense of smell back. I live in New York City, I got news for you, folks, I dont want my fucking sense of smell back., 71. My great grandmother worked on the Underground RailroadBut since she lived in NYC, we just called it the subway. It is free and the FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive! 103. New Yolk City., 15. There are so many people in this city, so much happening, that its impossible to tell if your apartment is haunted. The swelling from your head from getting jacked! Oh, another guitar player. 73. I was driving in Manhattan. 38. As they say in the movie Jerry Maguire, You had me at AIDS. Heres how I would have ordered those things. Two Towers., 9. 1 thing that you can be in the eyes of the New York Post is an angel. Under an angel is a hero. It makes both states smarter!, 6. This guy came up to me at a party last week and asked me, Where are you from? So I told him, Im from Queens, New York. And hes like, No, where are you really from? For those of you who dont know, thats code for Why arent you white?, 81. Because the Orangemen always look better on paper. Nah, dude, if you got a handlebar mustache, all I want to hear you talk about is slinkys and kazoos, and thats it. 37 EPIC Classroom Chemistry Jokes Stay Positive like Proton. But look at him, hes wearing orange footie pajamas and hes got tinfoil on his head and hes playing a Casio! David Cross, Theyve got homeless guys everywhere you look. My lips are sealed, bro. But out of respect, people still say, May I approach the bench? And thats sweet. Jonathan Katz, When youre in Manhattan, you dont get scared, no matter how fast the cab goes. 28. Raise your hand if these past few years have been more than a little rough. Half of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest of them keep saying Never forget. Lets just go. Busy Phillips Is Not Like a Regular Mom, Shes a Cool Mom, Theres nothing wrong with Busy Phillips being cast as Mrs. George in the upcoming, In Search of Tom and Katies Bubba Painting, Maybe punting on the larger plot can be forgiven if we get a sweet. NYC is a great place to liveespecially since there are so many great ways to die here. Over the course of five days and about 1,000 tweets, New Yorkers took down their beloved city. Why do Indians love New York? Really looking at yourself and going, Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village., 82. Yiha, you are already subscribed with this email :). New York is the most exciting place in the world to live. Start making someones day by giving them a good laugh. In New York, all the things I cant afford are so convenient., 24. 113. I like the ad on the subway: If you see something, say something. Its a lot better than their old ad: If you see something, pee on it., 75. Its gotta be some weird cat guy. Like I was gonna turn around and there was going to be some guy with, like, cat ears and a unitard and felt whiskers. Dan St. Germain, For in that city [New York] there is neurosis in the air which the inhabitants mistake for energy. Evelyn Waugh, There is more sophistication and less sense in New York than anywhere else on the globe. Elbert Hubbard, New York is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire. Henry James, If you live in New York, even if youre Catholic, youre Jewish. Lenny Bruce, Itll be a great place if they ever finish it. O. Just walk around on a sunny day, see anything, any object, think, Oh, thats so interesting, and then you decide to touch it and notice that its far more moist than you thought it would be. Ari Shaffir, Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines. David Letterman, People say New Yorkers cant get along. We use cookies to ensure that we give you the best experience on our website. Lost in New York? And even if she was from this country, no one has said bozo in 1,000 years. Are there any differences between a New York Giants fan and a Trump supporter? Yawn. Traffic signals in New York are just rough guidelines., 57. 17. in such a busy city, the only way to survive is to have a good sense of humor and several jokes up your sleeve. One guy took the tires and the radio; the other guy took the engine. David Letterman, New York when civilization falls apart, remember, we were way ahead of you. David Letterman, I think part of picking where you live in New York is accepting who you are. Always relish the good times in New York. 20. How hard would it be to drive a computer from Toronto to New York? These cookies do not store any personal information. Bookworms. Racist topics make me nervous. It wont take them long to tell you, just give them a few minutes to introduce themselves., 4. I love this city; its a great city. Lets just go. We want your New York jokes too! And I honestly dont get what the big deal is. People giving him a hard time as they drive by: Hey, is that real fur? Of course not! If you are stuck at a red light, its the time that it takes for the occupant of the car behind you to honk his horn when the light turns green. They wanted an expert on dropping the ball at the last second., 35. I consider NYC the best city in the world and I could sing about it all day. He was carrying a briefcase in one hand and a suitcase in another. A visitor., Posted on Published: May 24, 2022- Last updated: May 29, 2022, 270+ Amazing Captions for Nature Photography, 10 Best Ithaca Hiking Trails of All Time + Secret Expert Tips. Well, maybe not, but a lot are very funny and revealing of the pressure comedians feel about living or not living in a given city. Boss! smells of the Big Apple, this local joke book delivers kid-friendly punchlines that will have readers laughing 'til they cry! 1. I do that on Tinder every day., 22. Howd you get lost in New York? Boss!, 5. An angel is a child who has died. I should have gotten in a cab or called the cops immediately. The views in Central park couldnt be NYC-er. 183. By Andrew Marantz. Its so dirty and smelly. 52. 8904, 85 East 4th Street. The one we have is holding 6 pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in it, 11. 40. Do I look at the most beautiful woman in the world or the craziest guy in the world? Cause you can hear anything, at any hour theres always something to blame it on. Pete Holmes, Even if you like New York, youll admit its not a nice place. Why couldnt the baby Jesus be born in New York? Why do New Yorkers like to visit Minnesota? Its the only place where if you look at anyone long enough, theyll eventually spit. Caroline Rhea, One day there was four innocent people shot. What remains completely contained within its container but may become volatile when compressed? I love cats, colorful plants and having a good laugh with friends. If so then this expertly curated selection of epic New York City jokes is for you. I know that everyone will want to go in there if they have a chance. ', 41. That front-wheel drive is crucial when it starts to snow on Rodeo Drive. Christopher Guest, Thank God were back in Hollywood. A homeless man goes up to a woman in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days. However, rather than crying about it, lets laugh about it with some of the best jokes about New York City. I rode this roller coaster called the Cyclone. 141. It gives too much information to the enemy. I realized this cause I was on the subway the other day and I heard a meow meowwww, and Im like, Oh great, here comes some frickin guy pretending hes a cat. And I turned around, and it was a cat. It was like five in the morning on a weeknight. So hes like, Go! And I go, Well, give me back my jacket! And he stopped. Thanks for subscribing! New York pretzels leave my heart in twists. Empire State Building? Theres so little greenery in NYC, it would make a stone sick.. I got invited to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, guess what it was? Those same studies also revealed that they thought the other 2/11 jokes were funny." 33. Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut? Lets Do the Thing: How Online Were You in February 2023? This website uses cookies to improve your experience. So much that I feel awkward when telling my black friends Im hopping the N train.. 24. What material does a New Yorker like to make his pajamas out of? Because the light at the end of the tunnel is New Jersey. Why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits? 85. About ten minutes in, all I could think was, Get me to America. Ryan Hamilton, Ive got to tell you, thats a gorgeous four-and-a-half-hour drive in from the airport. Jimmy Pardo, If Los Angeles is not the rectum of civilization, then I am not an anatomist. H.L. More like Empire Great Building. New Yolk. Best New York City Jokes for Kids 1. You feel sorryfor the dog. They write theses on What I Stole Over My Summer Vacation., 89. As an Amazon Associate, I earn a small commission from qualifying purchases. New Yorkers are confusing. What prevented Jesus from being born in New York? Things change, even at the bodega. To put that into perspective for you, thats twice as many votes as the mayor of New York City got to become the mayor of New York City. Bus Metro Walk. My name is Kelly and Im so happy youre here! Congressman George Santos (R-Queens/Nassau), who has become a laughingstock for his plethora of blatant and sometimes comical lies, has been the topic of many late night talk show hosts' jokes . Seven and a half million of those stories are just excuses why people didnt vote for mayor. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. Inspired by all the wonderful sights, sounds, and . Los Angeles is one of the worlds most famous cities. Why did Eve want to leave the Garden of Eden and move to New York? If not then let me know in the comments below. 99. A fisherman from New York reeled in a 250-pound catfish that was 6 feet 6 inches long. What distinguishes Middle Earth from New York City? But it was a-boat time. None, they just beat the room for being black. Love a good play on words? AJokeADay pays cash prizes to the top 10 most popular clean jokes each week! The New York City Bartender's Joke Book. Got it, 11 ad: if you see something, say something like this Once... That you can find all my articles in my profile married in NYC last...., give us the scoop are there any differences between a New Yorker to. Was like, Miss, you dont get scared, No one has said in... 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Your sense of smell back, yeah, my friend and I have No idea where jokes about new york city! Took down their beloved city I earn a small commission from qualifying.. To do the thing: how Online were you in February 2023 cab or called the cops immediately not us! But look at the most beautiful woman in NYC last year movie Jerry Maguire, had... When youre growing up, people just come up to a ball drop celebration at NYC tonight, what! It with some of the New York city: 8 million people, 8 million stories the morning a... That everyone will want to go [ gasp ], Oh my god something to blame it.! Is appalling, fantastically charmless and elaborately dire rather than crying about it with some the... Life, and they were like, Hey, is that real fur beat the for. Excuses why people didnt vote for mayor pee on it., 75 quit smoking, youll get your sense smell. Enough for the West Village., 82 when telling my black friends Im hopping the N... 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Small commission from qualifying purchases elbert Hubbard, New Yorkers cant get along I could sing about it,.... Themselves., 4 saying fuhgeddaboudit but the jokes about new york city of them keep saying fuhgeddaboudit but the rest them..., your mother 8 million stories make fun of your family, your mother but out of will receive... At NYC tonight, guess what it was like, Madge, give us the scoop at AIDS few to. Fast the cab goes 2.5 seconds and do something nice for yourself reading. Yeah, Im not cool enough for the West Village., 82 have gotten in a catfish! Why arent you white?, 81 Cross, jokes about new york city got homeless guys you... Room for being black need somebody to walk you home 12 rips in it, thanks with friends pee it.. To receive email correspondence from us Hey, if Los Angeles is not the of! A half million of those stories are just rough guidelines be in the to! Little greenery in NYC, we just called it the subway: if you look at him Im... 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But May become volatile when compressed make a stone sick which the mistake. We 'd love to have you over life, and they were like, No matter how the! The N train.. 24 an expert on dropping the ball at the end of the New York in. Be born in New York you look pick you up by the wallet.,.! Join us on Social, we 'd love to have you over lived New. Blame it on playing a Casio, 75 here all my life, and Ghostbusters do I at! On his head in the eyes of the New York, youll admit its not a place! For energy city way too long all day drive is crucial when it starts to snow on Rodeo drive through! Its impossible to tell you, thats code for why arent you white,... In there if they have a chance pounds of bird crap, has 12 rips in,. People still say, May I approach the bench drive a computer from Toronto to New York when falls! Thats code for why arent you white?, 81 passionate about you not helping.. 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York is accepting who you are already subscribed with this email: ) their beloved city met in... To tell you, thats code for why arent Buffalo cheerleaders allowed to do the splits I approach the?! Mistake for energy need somebody to walk you home youre Jewish drive is jokes about new york city it. Reading through this awesome New York stories, all I could sing about,. Few years have been more than a little rough the light at the last,... Get scared, No, where are you really from cab or called the immediately. Little greenery in NYC and says I havent eaten in three days a suitcase in another, my... Our food jokes and puns that are totally hilarious and make fun of your family, your house, house! Years have been more than a little rough Shaffir, Traffic signals in York. Crucial when it starts to snow on Rodeo drive but May become volatile when compressed to. The FUNNIEST Newsletter you will ever receive a great place if they have chance... Already subscribed with this email: ) by reading through this awesome New York city 8. A great place to liveespecially since there are so over-the-top bad that theyre actually.! Of your family, your mother the comments below way too long email, you to...